A Sure Way to Get Rid of Old White Men Who Want to Be President

Here’s a political race I think we should add to the campaign

RACING AROUND IN KILTS AS A WAY TO DECIDE WHO WILL BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. (PHOTO BY RUSTY WATSON ON UNSPLASH)

Nobody can deny that it’s been an interesting start to the 2024 Presidential election. The grueling battle to win legal challenges and primary contests to choose delegates is like running a marathon through a minefield.

States from Maine to Colorado and Massachusetts to Oregon all have challenges as to whether Trump as an “officer” of the United States, sworn to uphold the Constitution, can be on the ballot after allegedly causing an insurrection.

Interestingly enough, Trump makes the argument that he wasn't actually an officer of the United States and therefore immune from prosecution.

Go figure. But if you can understand that line of reasoning, you’ve got a better brain than I do.

That being said, the primary contests go on in all their strangeness.

This week is particularly bizarre, though.

It started with Trump losing his immunity from prosecution case in Federal court. And then moved on to the Nevada Primary where voters who checked the “None of these candidates” box on the primary ballot cast the most votes … 63.2% of them, in fact.

The “election” was weird to begin with. Trump wasn't even on the primary ballot, and no matter who won (Nikki Haley did), no one got any of Nevada’s 26 GOP delegates. That gets decided in that other strange decision-making process, called the “Caucus”, where a bunch of people gather in rooms across the state to try and cajole their neighbors into supporting their choices.

It’s kind of like a verbal fistfight to see who the toughest political bullies are.

In any event, as the year marches on, the campaigns race on to decide which antiquarian, soon-to-be senile old white man will either take us on a path to save democracy or take the road not traveled (lately) to a semi-fascist government in bed with Vladimir Putin.

It’s a grueling race … particularly if you happen to be either almost 80 years old (Trump) or over 80 years old (Biden).

It’s all so confusing so I decided to do a little research on how societies have chosen leaders throughout the ages. And, I have a suggestion for how to decide who is fit enough to lead our nation that has historical precedent.

In ancient Egypt (ancient being around the year 3,000 B.C., not like our Presidential candidates) the pharaohs who ruled were considered to be actual Gods. Not like Trump who THINKS he’s a god, but real, bona-fide, big “G” Gods.

To make sure they did manage to maintain their Godly powers, they had to perform in an unusual contest.

A footrace around their palace.

According to the site History Facts, the event …

… usually took place in the 30th year of a pharaoh’s reign (and every three years after that). The event was filled with sacrifices, crownings, and other lavish displays; the Heb-Sed of Amenhotep III, for instance, featured the construction of temples and colossal sculptures all along the Nile valley. But the main event was a footrace run by the pharaoh — dressed in a kilt with an attached animal tail — to demonstrate their physical fitness.

The mental picture of Trump and Biden dressed up in such an outfit and running around the White House is mindboggling.

Egyptians apparently equated the health of the country with the health of the guy in charge. If the ruler couldn’t finish the race, it was time to get a younger and healthier leader. It seemed to work well as an indication of the state of things. And, many of their kings had a real challenge on their hands in finishing the contest because of some pretty bad health habits related to inbreeding and even more often, obesity. Their diets were filled with:

“beer, wine, bread, and honey, and contained an awful lot of sugar”.

Think Donald Trump tossing a McDonald’s Cheeseburger at the wall.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but I think this is a much, much, much better way to decide who will be our next President.

The only problem is that Nikki Haley can probably outrun both Trump and Biden. But, nothing is perfect.