Rudy, Rudy, Rudy
/Giuliani got the job as understudy to Santa’s lead reindeer.
Rudy Giuliani leaves the courthouse after being ordered to pay $148,000,000 in damages to the two Georgia election workers he defamed. (Photo by Philip Yabut)
Along with my New Year’s Resolutions to make myself a more perfect person (a difficult task I must admit), I particularly try to forgive and shake off whatever disgust I have in my fellow human beings so I can start the year with a clean slate.
Like the majority of those making New Year’s resolutions they can’t keep, I seldom make it past what has come to be known as “Quitter’s Day”. That’s the second Friday in January when most people stop worrying about their promises and go back to being assholes.
But, as my mother used to say, “Hope springs eternal…” so I will try again.
However this year, I’m restricting my forgiveness to one unusually sad son-of-a-bitch, former New York City Mayor and Trump apologist, Rudolf Giuliani.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but this guy is the poster child for how to be a monumental screw-up. No wonder he drinks like a fish. He’s reputed to drink so much scotch that Santa recruited him to serve as a stand-in during the holiday season for Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Oh, how low the mighty have fallen. Early in December Vanity Fair published a story by Bess Levin about the low points in Giuliani’s life. Here’s what they highlighted:
Appearing in a Borat movie with his hands down his pants
Having a hair dye malfunction in the middle of a televised press conference
Confusing the Four Seasons hotel with Four Seasons Total Landscaping (a business across from a crematorium and next to a sex shop)
Farting so much that the flatulence made Saturday Night Live
Being reduced to hawking gold coins on YouTube
And as if that wasn’t enough, he accidentally married his cousin and didn’t find out for 14 years.
It’s a long way down from the lofty heights Rudolf Giuliani ascended to after the 9/11 attacks on New York City over 22 years ago. But, it shouldn't surprise anyone that he topped off his career by attaching himself as personal attorney to the biggest loser of the century, Donald Trump. It made Rudy look even stupider when “The Donald” didn’t pay him. Yet, Rudy was shocked, shocked, shocked to find out that the former president doesn’t pay his bills … particularly to doddering old fools who’ve pickled their brains with scotch whiskey.
That added to his financial woes.
Nevertheless, Rudy threw himself into defending Mr. Trump, screaming at the top of his lungs about two election workers in Georgia who, the premier election denier claimed, were single-handedly responsible for Georgia’s electoral votes going to Biden.
For full disclosure, I’ve been an election worker and it is a thankless job. The fact is, the “control” you have over the voting machine is non-existent. It’s like getting your remote to work on that new smart TV you got for Christmas.
It just can’t be done.
In any event, the women sued him. And, Rudy’s day in court didn’t go exactly as planned. In response to his bullshit accusations he has been ordered to pay $148,000,000 in damages to the two women, and they want their money NOW.
Not sure they’ll take a check. By all accounts, Rudy is a little sort in the gelt department. So he’s adding bankruptcy to his list of “accomplishments” and going into hiding, so they say. Perhaps we are finished hearing about Rudy’s failed life once and for all.
But wait. He’s about to go back to court again. Seems that back in the spring of 2023 a former employee of his filed a civil lawsuit accusing him of sexual assault, sexual harassment, wage theft, and abuse of power.
He’s screwed, but not in the way he hoped that’s for sure. I would hate to be his fortune teller. Frankly after all this, he’s going to have to keep his reindeer stand-in job just to pay for groceries.
Still though, I’m working hard on the forgiveness part. But, I’m having a difficult time for one simple reason.
It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
